Secret Agent Sanchez

Not much of interest happening today. Sam and Steve continue to talk about how it's unfathomable that someone could be killed by someone who was close to them and also hated them. But if not Stella, then who? None other than Joe Isaacs, the lawyer! Because in the Judge Parker Universe, lawyers have no respect for the law and care about nothing but money, as Sam Driver illustrates on a daily basis.

Much more interesting is the fact that Stella might be sending assassins after Joe Isaacs, the lawyer. It'll be like a race to see if Sam and Steve can get to Isaacs before Stella's assassin, who may or may not be Rico Polliti, to see who can violate the law quickest. Isaacs, meanwhile, should be in Barbados by now, setting up a confrontation between him and the Original Judge Parker, who has all but been written out of his own strip. Normally this would all be exciting plot material, but as this is Judge Parker, be assured it will not be.

Much more interesting than all this is that Gloria did not escape fast enough to prevent cutaways to her sexiness. Once she's out of the major metropolitan area, she might have better luck. Where is she going in the middle of her workday? I don't know. Hopefully to find that strip club she can take her Community College degree to. Much more likely: to conduct her own illegal investigation of Joe Isaacs, the lawyer.

Feel the Power of the Drivermaniacs

Now, on the surface, this is one of the least exciting strips in the past few weeks. But underneath?


Gloria: "Jesus H. Christ. If you guys want to have the exact same conversation we had last week, go right ahead, but I will not be around to provide cutaways to my sexiness."

Sam: "Fine by us. Maybe you'd prefer to put that community college degree to work at a strip club, if you hate this place so much."

Gloria: "Whatever. Maury's on. I'll be back in an hour (approximately 3 months, Judge Parker time)."

Steve: "Ok, so you decked the bodyguard?"

Sam: "He had me in a chokehold! I had no choice."

Steve: "Not the chokehold! It's a good thing you got out of there; he usually transitions straight from the choke into his trademarked slam, the D'Vito Driver."

Sam: "And then when I got out of it, his manager came in and hit me with a steel chair while the ref's back was turned! Too bad, because I was just about to win the Intercontinental Championship Belt."

Steve: "Man, wish I could've been there to help. You could have used one of my prostheses as a foreign object, then covered for an easy three count."

Sam: "Oh, do you still have no legs? The fact that you're drawn normally and never mention them ever made me unsure."

Steve: "Yeah, that's why I keep handy leg-obscuring objects like this desk in front of me at all times. Really, I'm a little unhappy that you and Rocky Ledge get to run around beating people up while the only thing I get to do is dig through people's trash."

Sam: "Please. I am a sophisticated and classy lawyer who only uses violence as a last resort, unlike that country music-singing piece of street trash Rocky. My actions were in self-defense."

Steve: "Ok, just so I have this straight: Papparrazzi trespass onto your property, create a disturbance which endangers the life of Rocky's wife and causes her serious injury. When Rocky gets over there, he's mad, and punches one of them in the face."

Sam: "Completely unjustified attack. Luckily my sweet lawyerin' skills were able to keep him out of prison."

Steve: "Whereas you committed fraud by pretending to be an insurance agent so you could snoop around in a murder victim's widow's house and try to find evidence to set her up for the crime, only to be discovered, at which point her bodyguard attempted to forcibly remove you from her property when you punched him in the face..."

Sam: "Completely justified. Obviously self-defense."

Steve: "I'm not sure I understand."

Sam: "Being a rich, well-connected lawyer means never having to say you're sorry."

Steve: "Wait, what's that sound? I think that's Mrs. D'Vito's Bodyguard's music! He's not even supposed to be at this venue!"

Tomorrow: Sam Driver challenges the Bodyguard to a Cage Match... or Sam and Steve continue talking.

Also, if you like, I could give you the whole exciting and as yet unresolved plot of Country Music Sensation / Environmentally Friendly Factory Owner Rocky Ledge and his psychotic German Supermodel Wife with a million adopted orphans Godiva Danube, or I could just keep dropping bits of backstory as I see fit. The important thing is that Godiva has gigantic knockers.

The Groundswell of Excitement Continues

12/12/09




"So you stole evidence from a crime scene and thus made it impermissible in trial?"

"Well, the important thing is that we used rubber gloves! And baggies!"

"Why didn't you say so in the first place? That makes all the difference! By the way, do you still have that hot secretary? If we could get a gratuitous close-up of her sexy eyelashes and hooker rings, that might make this episode halfway interesting."

"Not a problem!"

Also, there's a Sunday Strip:



Since some papers don't carry the Sunday strip, they can't run anything important that they don't recap the next day, so you can actually skip the Sunday strip and not miss anything. Sort of like every other day in Judge Parker. However, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Sam's new strategy of wearing reading glasses and going through a stack of yellowish papers to make him look more legit as a lawyer. Also, I'd be severely remiss if I didn't mention ANDROGYNOUS COP PERSON in the penultimate panel.

Oh, and Sam has apparently already solved the case, based on one scuffle with a bodyguard and the "public records" Gloria downloaded off of TMZ.

And Today's exciting episode:



Sam: Gloria, make sure Lt. Yelich's stooge signs for this. If we're going to participate in this level of corruption, we're going to at least make sure to leave an extensive paper trail documenting all of our misdeeds.

Gloria: Right-o. I'll just lounge around sexily while I wait. Maybe I'll even search for more "public records" while I'm at it.

Steve: Hey, I was mostly in the room for the majority of your conversation last week about the widow D'Vito and her rasslin' bodyguard, but could you go over it again? If there's one thing our readers can't get enough of, it's lawyers recapping the same conversation repeatedly in their office.

Sam: No problemo. Maybe we can call Lt. Yelich and tell him we stole some evidence while we're at it!

Tomorrow: Sam and Steve continue talking.

The Day It All Began

Sam: What a bunch of Crooks and Shysters! Any one of them could've murdered D'Vito. If I had known this was going to be difficult and time-consuming, I would've blown it off and chased some ambulances today instead.

Gloria: My money's on the lawyer, because as you and your gimpy sidekick have demonstrated this morning/past two weeks, lawyers have absolutely no principles or respect for the law at all. Also, have you noticed my boobs? Making them look perky at all times is completely worth the pain of keeping my back arched like this every second of the day.

Sam: Sorry, no I haven't. I've been temporarily blinded by my law partner's intriguing choice of suit today. Who knew black shirts and brown jackets would go so well together?

Steve: Thanks for noticing. I found the piece of evidence that could potentially clear our client's name and absolve him of guilt, but rather than turning it over to the proper authorities, I thought I'd shove it into my sandwich bag from lunch and smuggle it back here.

Sam: Nice work! Now let's work on retrieving the gunpowder residue test results. If we can keep that from the police too, then we'll be one step closer to keeping Henry locked up for a few more weeks. Not like he's dying of cancer or anything.

Tomorrow: Sam impersonates the chief of police and has the gunpowder results destroyed. Henry remains in custody.