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Short but Sweet. And Nonsensical

In today's Judge Parker, Abbey and Godiva have a sexy-off, with Abbey flaunting her perky tits while Godiva shows she's got back. Then, Abbey suggests they take a walk with the recently traumatized Sultan the horse while Godiva wipes her tears on her bra.

Sunday Cavalcade of Goofiness

The Panel-by-Panel account:

1. I love the Battlefield Earth-style camera slant. I love even more that if you straighten it out in your mind, you'll notice that Sam is somehow standing in the most uncomfortable position possible.

2. I have no clue why Sam is so committed to kicking Rocky and Godiva out of his house or why it is of crucial importance that they never meet Neddy, but judging by the serious-as-a-stroke look on his face, I'm guessing there must be some dark secret about Neddy we may find out about in 7 months.

3. WHERE THE HELL DID GLORIA COME FROM?

4. This, this is Barreto at his best. There are 4 men in this panel, yet Barreto masterfully masks one with a speech balloon, then uses his patented "hot chick in the foreground" to block a second and give us a perspective that prevents him from drawing Sam and Steve again. If he could've somehow made it look like the short-haired hottie extra and Gloria were making out, it would've been Christmas 5 days early.

5. Hard to follow that last panel, but I do like how despondent Sam looks when it hits him that he's going home to his hated family and friends, and actively plans to do as little as possible to interact with them.

6 & 7. Meanwhile.... we are apparently ditching this boring, played out murder mystery drama for a much more exciting "ancillary characters who we might never see after this plot is finally played out talk about their problems." On the plus side, this means we'll get to see much more of everyone's favorite Judge Parker staple, Abbey Spencer's Bright Red Mullet. On the even bigger plus side, if we get to spend the next month staring at Godiva's insane purple striped sweater, well, who the hell cares who shot D'Vito?

Phantom Legs

Steve: Sam, I feel compelled to remind you that your theories are contradictory and don't make any form of sense whatsoever in regard to motive.

Sam: Well, as some poor schlub lawyer who toiled in poverty for Uncle Sam for cut-rate wages, I don't expect you to understand how being rich works. I, however, married into money, and if there's one thing it taught me, it's that you can never have too much money. At any rate, I have exhausted my ability to give a damn about this whole murder thing. I'm going home to hang out with my celebrity friends.

Steve: Before you do, would you mind opening your briefcase again? Apparently my prosthetic legs disappear when there's nothing to hide them behind.

Secret Agent Sanchez

Not much of interest happening today. Sam and Steve continue to talk about how it's unfathomable that someone could be killed by someone who was close to them and also hated them. But if not Stella, then who? None other than Joe Isaacs, the lawyer! Because in the Judge Parker Universe, lawyers have no respect for the law and care about nothing but money, as Sam Driver illustrates on a daily basis.

Much more interesting is the fact that Stella might be sending assassins after Joe Isaacs, the lawyer. It'll be like a race to see if Sam and Steve can get to Isaacs before Stella's assassin, who may or may not be Rico Polliti, to see who can violate the law quickest. Isaacs, meanwhile, should be in Barbados by now, setting up a confrontation between him and the Original Judge Parker, who has all but been written out of his own strip. Normally this would all be exciting plot material, but as this is Judge Parker, be assured it will not be.

Much more interesting than all this is that Gloria did not escape fast enough to prevent cutaways to her sexiness. Once she's out of the major metropolitan area, she might have better luck. Where is she going in the middle of her workday? I don't know. Hopefully to find that strip club she can take her Community College degree to. Much more likely: to conduct her own illegal investigation of Joe Isaacs, the lawyer.

Did she kill him? No! Are you sure? Yes!

Steve: So, the widow D'Vito hated her husband, and yet you're still convinced that she didn't do it?

Sam: Yes.

Steve: Good, that way our readers who missed yesterday, and the day before, would be caught up with these non-developments.

Sam: Now, I'm going to pretend to read this paper in order to look busy.

Steve: Whoa, careful Sam! It looks like the Nothing is attacking your face!

Sam: Considering we're in the middle of a neverending story, it's bound to happen once or twice. Anyway, by closing my eyes like this so it looks like I'm thinking really hard, I have deduced Stella did not kill him because she didn't have his money he was running off with. Even though by her own admission she hated his guts, the only reason she could possibly have to kill him is to steal his money, and since she is still here and doesn't have it, I figure she must be innocent.

Steve: That would explain why she's sitting around drinking champagne without a care: she's broke! Let me try that trick.

Sam: No no no. That's all wrong, you've got to CLOSE your eyes. Then fold your lips in and scrunch your forehead. You still have much to learn about being a lawyer, Legless-san.

Tomorrow: Yesterday again.

The Plot Thinnens!

Today on the Judge:

Rather than continue Sam's tenuous argument that his trespassing and assault is different from Rocky's in a good way, our good friends Wilson and Barreto have decided to skip the rest of that conversation and jump to... a couple minutes later in the conversation. Granted, it's a completely stupid part of the conversation, but it's still a skip, even if only a small one.

Steve: So which one of D'Vito's cohorts might've killed him?

Sam: Beats the hell out of me.

Steve: What? I thought you told Lt. Jim that you already solved the case.

Sam: Right. I lied about that. I just like to chap his ass. Hence the interfering with his investigation, then calling him up and bragging about it.

Steve: Ok, well, who DIDN'T kill D'Vito then?

Sam: His wife. She said she wanted to, but somebody else did it first.

Steve: Oh, so she had an alibi?

Sam: No, she just said she didn't. In my years of lawyering, I have found that people who are capable of murder are incapable of lying.

Steve: Are we going to spend the next month or so talking about this, only to arrest the only other suspect who has been introduced, Rico Polliti, the Professional Wrestler-turned-Driver/Bodyguard?

Sam: Month, as in singular? Try 4.